If it means a lot to You ((Sachi))

[Toshio Niigata]

Toshio rubbed his temples in fatigue as he rode the last train home from the city. He was practically alone on the car, and he liked it that way. This whole week had been torture- along with the reports and finals for the students coming up, he hadn’t heard anything from Sachi. He had called her cell phone many times, but when he would connect to leaving a voicemail, he would hang up. Did I give her my cell phone number? Maybe I forgot to and she doesn’t recognize it. Or…she’s ignoring me. Am I being played? He couldn’t help but think these things and more. He lit up another cigarette (about number 10 for the day) and placed it between his lips. When he heard the man on the over-com announce his stop, he stepped off of the train.

When he finally got to his car and drove home, it was around midnight. He fumbled for his key in his pocket and almost broke it stabbing it into the lock. He placed all of his “baggage” on the kitchen table (that was never used) and he went right into his office. He sat down in his big black desk chair and swiveled in it a few times before opening up a locked drawer in the middle of his desk. He took out an old photo of him from high school, Sachi standing next to him kissing him on the cheek. He would often come in this room and stare at the picture for hours, hoping and praying that Sachi would come back to him. Now that she had, what would he pray for? That she would never leave him? That she do what is only best for her? No, if she did that, he might end up heartbroken, and that wasn’t an option either. He sighed as he placed the picture back in the drawer and, without locking it, he exited the room and started upstairs to his bedroom, sleep taking over his weary body.

[Sachi Yamada]

Sachi ran through the now empty streets, tears running down her face and she fiercely gripped a small strip of paper in her hand. A piece of paper that she had kept safe for the last week, hardly ever letting it leave her. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve as she ran passed the few people on the corner of the roads, all of them giving her weird looks as she ran past them sobbing. She looked down at the now tear stained paper before tucking it into her pocket and running up to the door, Sachi knocked loudly knowing it was late but she hoped to God that he was in. She also hoped to God that she’d found the right place, she didn’t know this part of town well and it was completely possible that shed knocked on a strangers door in the middle of the night.

Knocking again, hurting her fist a little against the wooden door, still sobbing waiting for someone to answer. When the door was pulled open in front of her so could barely see from the tears in her eyes but she knew it was him. She could tense his presence whenever he was near, she always had been able to, she’d known when they first met that someone was watching her, she could always feel eyes on her when he was staring and it had only gotten stronger with time. She fell forward and wrapped her arms around his waist squeezing tightly as she cried,

”Toshio...” she sobbed, barely getting out his name.

[Toshio Niigata]

Just as soon as Toshio’s foot touched the last stair, and loud pounding erupted on the front door. He looked down in a daze and wondered who it could’ve been at this hour. He rolled his eyes and trudged back down the stairs, exhaustion creeping in on him. When he opened the door he couldn’t believe who he saw. It was like an angel had been sent to his doorway. ”Sachi… what the hell happened to you?” he asked in dismay. She looked awful as her tears began to stain his shirt. She squeezed him to the point where he could barely breath, but he made no complaint. She needed help, and whatever it was, Toshio would be there for her this time.

He wrapped his arms around her and moved her inside out of the cold night and set her on the couch. He immediately went into the kitchen and started a pot of tea for her. When he walked back into the living room he couldn’t see her face it was so covered by her orange hair. He sat next to her and brushed it out of her face, and smiling lightly to calm her down he asked, ”Whats wrong?”

[Sachi Yamada]

”Sachi… what the hell happened to you?” Sachi heard him ask before she buried her face even further into his chest. She felt him wrap his arns around her and pulled her inside, out of the biter nights wind. He sat her on the couch before walking off, se could help but look at the floor and cry even more, 'No! You can't leave me Toshio!' she screamed in her head but all that came out was a pitiful sob.

When she heard him in the kitchen she started to relax a little knowing that he was coming back to her soon. She felt rather than saw toshio sit next to her and it wasn't until he brushed her hair out from her eyes and smiling at her did she actually look at him. Smiling like that, it was his calm-down-it'll-be-ok smile and she knew he was right. Now she was with him everything was going to be ok.

"Whats wrong?" Toshio asked her and she couldn't help but sniffle in response. "Tadahiro...he...in bed...with that girl" she got out between sobs.

[Toshio Niigata]

it took Toshio a few seconds to wrap his head around what Sachi had just said. "Tadahiro...he...in bed...with that girl" he went over her words in his head over and over again until he finally realized. His hand immediately clenched into a fist and he grinded his teeth. How the hell could he do something so stupid like that to her?! he thought. It was weird for him to be sitting here with her helping her sort through her husband problems, but he was glad to be there for her anyway.

”What?! He cheated on you?! How long? Has he been doing it the whole time? How dare he!” Toshio bellowed at the top of his lungs, seeming even angrier than Sachi was at the subject. He couldn’t bear the thought of anyone hurting her, and he shot up from the couch and stormed over to the front door, whipping it open and grabbing his coat, ready to go have a little “chat” with Tadahiro.

[Sachi Yamada]

”What?! He cheated on you?! How long? Has he been doing it the whole time? How dare he!” Sachi heard him shout and watched as he grabbed his jacket and stormed across the room towards the door, flinging it open,
"No! Toshio you can't go! Please, we both know that when you're this angry you'll just end up running in circles. Please, just talk to me. I need you, Toshio, I don't think I can be alone right now," She pulled on his arm and led him back to the couch putting his jacket on the floor and sat in his lap, wrappIng her arms around his neck and placing her face against the skin of his throat. They were silent for a while before Sachi began to talk,

"I'd just got home. Rai is staying wih friends for the night and Maiku was spending the night at his Aunts. When I got home I could hear noises coming from the bedroom. Moaning and gasping, I thought maybe he was just watching porn. He's been doing that a lot lately, But then I heard a woman moan his name. I opened the door and there he was, buck naked fucking some girl who cant have been much older than Rai. They didn't even notice me, obviously they were do caught up with defiling my bed. I couldn't take it Toshio, so I just ran. I didn't know where to go but you were the first person I thought of. I'm sorry." she sighed into his neck.

[Toshio Niigata]

"No! Toshio you can't go! Please, we both know that when you're this angry you'll just end up running in circles. Please, just talk to me. I need you, Toshio, I don't think I can be alone right now," she said, and as Toshio put one foot out of the door he felt a tug on his arm. When he turned around the look she gave him was pitiful, and it made him want to cry. He looked into her eyes and practically read her thoughts. She was right. He shouldn’t do this- it would mean a whole lot of unnecessary trouble for the both of them. Before he knew it he was being pulled back to the couch where he sat down with her. She sat in his lap and he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close to him, wanting to protect her from all things bad in the world. She began to recount what had happened and Toshio’s muscles flexed, however, he felt a small tear run down his cheek, and he didn’t bother taking a hand away from her to wipe it. He stared off into an unknown land where none of this had ever happened because he had never run away in the first place. This was all his fault, and there was nothing he could do to change it. ”I…I’m so sorry Sachi” he breathed, and he really didn’t know what to say. He knew that if he ever crossed Tadahiro again in his life, he would kill him for sure.

[Sachi Yamada]

Sachi felt as Toshio’s arms flexed around her waist and he pulled her closer when she’d finished telling him what had happened just a few hours earlier. “I...I’m so sorry Sachi” she heard him breath. She pulled back from him and placed a hand on his chest, as she looked into his eyes. She didn’t remove his arms from her waist as she felt that if she didn’t have his arms around her she might have just floated away. She didn’t want to be alone anymore. Although shed been married for years she still always felt alone, always felt like something was missing in her seemingly ‘perfect’ life and now she had Toshio back, she knew that he was who she was missing. She just wasn’t the same without him near.

”You don’t need to apologise Toshio...You didn’t do anything, you didn’t tell him to cheat on me...” she sighed, looking down at her hand on his chest, ”Can I ask you something though?” she asked him before taking a deep breath and meeting his eyes again and saying ”Am I not a nice enough person? Not pretty enough? Is that why he had to go and find that tramp?” she asked him with tears in her eyes again, she felt like now-a-days her eyes were constantly filled with them. ”I tried so hard to make sure that everyone was happy, I mean I know he obviously wasn’t happy when I told him it wasn’t working between us and that we needed to rethink this marriage but I always made sure Rai and Maiku were happy even though I’m sure Rai knows something’s not right between Tadahiro and myself but how can I pretend to be OK with him anymore. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is them. How am I going to be able to go home and have to pretend that everything’s fine between us. How am I even going to be able to look at him? I just don’t think I can do it anymore, Toshio.”

[Toshio Niigata]

Toshio’s eyes sparkled as she looked up at him like a poor lost puppy. He usually didn’t have the heart for that kind of thing, but for Sachi it was a whole other story. ”You don’t need to apologise Toshio...You didn’t do anything, you didn’t tell him to cheat on me...” she sighed. But I did…this is all my fault he went over in his head, getting really pissed at himself. ”Can I ask you something though?” she asked him before taking a deep breath and meeting his eyes again and saying ”Am I not a nice enough person? Not pretty enough? Is that why he had to go and find that tramp?” she asked him with tears in her eyes again, and Toshio’s mouth dropped. ”What?! No way in hell are you not nice or pretty enough! Tadahiro is just a jackass and a moron not to keep you close to him! How dare you even let yourself think like that! Don’t let him have that kind of hold on you, Sachi!” he bursted. He understood that Sachi was in a difficult position and all, but to be thinking like that was ridiculous.
"I tried so hard to make sure that everyone was happy, I mean I know he obviously wasn’t happy when I told him it wasn’t working between us and that we needed to rethink this marriage but I always made sure Rai and Maiku were happy even though I’m sure Rai knows something’s not right between Tadahiro and myself but how can I pretend to be OK with him anymore. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is them. How am I going to be able to go home and have to pretend that everything’s fine between us. How am I even going to be able to look at him? I just don’t think I can do it anymore, Toshio.” She spoke, and he pulled her head back to his chest and cradled her like a little baby. As much as he hated to say this, he had to. It was the best advice he could’ve given her. ”Then you need to leave him… at least now you have a good reason to” he said, and he couldn’t look her directly in the eyes. That was all he wanted her to do- leave the man who was making her unhappy. She didn’t even have to go back with Toshio either, he just wanted her out of that environment. It wasn’t healthy. Come to think of it, he wasn’t so sure that his environment would be healthy either. He gulped at the thought of having two kids running around his tiny apartment. No, he would have to move. Take the money he had been saving and buy a new house. One for a family of four.

[Sachi Yamada]

“Then you need to leave him...at least now you have a good reason to.” Toshio said and Sachi knew he was right. Shed known all along but couldn’t find it in herself to say it out loud. Living with Tadahiro for so long her confidence level in herself had taken a huge hit. She knew she had changed so much in the last seventeen years and not necessarily for the better, she used to be able to say and think what she wanted but Tadahiro had quickly put a stop to that. He told her that she needed to act appropriately; act like the wife of a CEO should act. Sachi found it hard at first but eventually he’d filed her personality down enough that she did as she was told, it was just easier that way.

”I...I know. You’re right.” she said as she looked up at him, trying to catch his gaze but he seemed to be deep in thought. ”I don’t know how I’m going to cope on my own Toshio,” she took a deep breath before whispering ”Will...will you help me Toshio? Just for a while, I mean, could we maybe stay with you for a few days? Just until I can find another place...and find a job...and child care for Maiku...” she said mostly to herself, she really didn’t know how she was going to do this, it was going to be difficult for everyone in the beginning but she couldn’t help but think of how, in the long run, how much better her life was going to be when she was free of her husband...’Ex-husband’ she though as she smiled slightly.

[Toshio Niigata]

”I...I know. You’re right.” She said quietly, and it pained Toshio. ”I don’t know how I’m going to cope on my own Toshio,” she said and Toshio whispered, ”I’ll be with you, promise!” he said sternly, making a point to himself more than her. ”Will...will you help me Toshio? Just for a while, I mean, could we maybe stay with you for a few days? Just until I can find another place...and find a job...and child care for Maiku...” she asked, and Toshio nodded. ”Absolutely! I wouldn’t have it any other way!” he smiled lightly down at her, still trying to calm her down. She wouldn’t be on her own at any point from now on. Even if she decided to leave Toshio behind and live on her own, he would still be with her, watch over her, keep her safe. He sighed. ”Sachi… I’ll pay for everything. Your house, and whatever you or the kids need. But on one condition…” he stated, and he waited for her response before continuing. ”I…I want to meet my daughter, as my daughter. I want to be a real father to her, and I want her to know” he said, and his words came from the heart. He wanted Rai to know who he really was to her, and he wished that she would be ok with it. He hoped to God that Rai would like him, and that they could start anew, forgetting that he left her and her mother in the past.

[Sachi Yamada]

Sachi heard Toshio sigh before he said “Sachi...I’ll pay for everything. Your house and whatever you or the kids need. But on one condition...” he stated and Sachi’s eyes widened as she nodded her head furiously ”Yes, of course, anything, whatever you want!” she told him, a little nervous about what he would ask for but utterly thrilled none the less, she obviously wouldn’t let him pay for everything himself, but she would be grateful for the help. She was just too headstrong to let him do everything for her but she knew when she had to accept help.

“I...I want to meet my daughter, as my daughter. I want to be a real father to her, and I want her to know” he said and Sachi had to take a deep breath at his request. She knew it was a totally reasonable thing to ask but she couldn’t help but worry.

”I’ll ask her. I won’t force her to accept you as her father Toshio, if she chooses not to I want that to be it. She’s old enough now to make her own decisions. Would...would you be there when I ask her, though?” she asked hoping that he would, she didn’t know how well Rai would react to the news and maybe if Toshio was there to help her tell Rai it might be easier on everyone.

[Toshio Niigata]

Toshio smiled as Sachi accepted his offer. It made him feel good inside knowing that he was helping her in some way. ”I’ll ask her. I won’t force her to accept you as her father Toshio, if she chooses not to I want that to be it. She’s old enough now to make her own decisions. Would...would you be there when I ask her, though?” she asked, and Toshio's smile turned into a frown. He wasnt so sure whether he should be there when Sachi told Rai, but if it was what Sachi wanted he would do it. "If thats what you want, then i have no problem with it" he said soothingly, still hoping that that would go well. He believed that the hardest part for Rai would be finding out that her teacher was her father. I would be a little weirded out myself... he thought and he shook his head. "What do you think she'll say?" he asked Sachi, knowing that she knew her daughter better than anyone else. Toshio understood the reasons why she wouldnt except him, but he really truly wanted her to let go of the past and notice what he was trying to do now.

[Sachi Yamada]

“What do you think she’ll say?” he asked Sachi, and she had to think about it for a while. She wasn’t quite sure but she knew her daughters personality well enough that she would always give someone a chance, she wasn’t the type who was quick to judge and Sachi just hoped that she would do the same for Toshio, ”She has been asking about you lately. Well, not you personally obviously but she has been asking about her birth father. I tended to try and move the conversation along when she asked about you, it just hurt me to much whenever you were mentioned. But...” she sighed ”I think she’ll be confused, I mean wouldn’t you be? But in the end I’ll think she’ll accept you.”she smiled before suddenly turning serious and looking him dead in the eye, ”You need to promise me something, Toshio. You need to promise me that you won’t leave her like you left me. If you do decided you want to be a father you need to be in it for the long run, you can’t run when times get hard Toshio, you said you grew up and I believe you but only time will tell but you need to promise me, I won’t let you near our daughter if you think in any way that you would ever hurt her like you hurt me. If you think that you could cause her pain then I...I can’t have you in her life and I don’t think I could have you in mine either.” she told him, the mamma-bear inside her coming out full force.

[Toshio Niigata]

”She has been asking about you lately. Well, not you personally obviously but she has been asking about her birth father. I tended to try and move the conversation along when she asked about you, it just hurt me to much whenever you were mentioned. But...” she sighed ”I think she’ll be confused, I mean wouldn’t you be? But in the end I’ll think she’ll accept you.” Toshio felt a little relieved after hearing this. ”You need to promise me something, Toshio. You need to promise me that you won’t leave her like you left me. If you do decided you want to be a father you need to be in it for the long run, you can’t run when times get hard Toshio, you said you grew up and I believe you but only time will tell but you need to promise me, I won’t let you near our daughter if you think in any way that you would ever hurt her like you hurt me. If you think that you could cause her pain then I...I can’t have you in her life and I don’t think I could have you in mine either.” The words were a jab to Toshio’s heart. You need to promise me that you won’t leave her like you left me, if you think in any way that you would ever hurt her like you hurt me he went over in his head, and he couldn’t breathe anymore. Reality had finally set in on him, and he felt so, so bad for what he had done, and he wished that everyone could get over it for his sake. The way Sachi said it made the words sink in deep like a tattoo, and Toshio knew that he really had no other choice but to move forward with what he was doing now. He would be Rai’s and Maiku’s father, and he would take care of them and never leave their side. ”Sachi, im ready to be a father! More than I thought I was, and im so sick of being alone. Ive waisted my life away so far, and I want to change that. I think you can help me change that, and you’ve already made me a better person, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he took her face his hands and looked her dead in the eye, ”I promise I will never leave you again”.