Long Awaited Talk

[Sachi Yamada]

Sachi sat on a bench underneath the large oak tree as the sun was setting, she was getting nervous as she checked her watch,

’He’s fifteen minutes late,’ she sighed, closing her eyes trying to stop the tears from falling. She’d organised to meet Toshio in this exact place, they needed to talk. They had so much to talk about, so many questions that needed to be answered and she was getting worried that he was going to turn up. When she’d spoken to him last he’d sounded like he was as pleased to meet up as she was but now, sitting here alone watching the orange sun disappear beyond the horizon she was getting worried.

’I’ll give him five more minutes’ she told herself, although if she had to be honest with herself she wasn’t sure if she could leave. She’d lost him once and she wasn’t going to lose him again. She heard footsteps walking towards and she looked up hoping that she would see who she’d been waiting for...

[Toshio Niigata]

”Dammit!” Toshio bursted through the doors of the train with his school-teacher’s bag and into a crowd of people. His eyes searched frantically for an opening in the sea of humans, and he tried his best to escape the chaos of the station. The train had been half an hour late, and now Toshio was pissed. He was supposed to have met Sachi 15 minutes ago, and now he still had to run as fast as he could to the park. ”’Scuse me, pardon me, excuse me!” he shouted as he bowled people over on his way out. He hurried up the stairs and out into the setting sunlight. He hated that his house wasn’t close to town, and that he had to take the train every day to work. His feet barely touched the ground as he flew down the sidewalk. Car horns honked at him as he J-walked across the busy street and into the park. He didn’t stop running until he reached the spot where Sachi sat- looking beautiful as ever- waiting patiently for him. She waited… he thought as he huffed and puffed, and smiled. Even if it was only 15 minutes, she waited for him, and now it was time to prove to her that he could be an adult and take on responsibilities such as being there for their daughter, Rai.

It was still hard for Toshio to believe that Rai was his daughter. She had been his student for a month now, and he hadn’t really gotten to know her like he did all of his other students. She was very quiet and kept to herself- especially when she was sleeping. I’ll have to work with her on that he thought excitedly and he approached Sachi. He wiped the sweat from his brow and sat next to her, smiling widely. Hello… he greeted, and he found her hand and placed it in his.

[Sachi Yamada]

“Hello...” She heard him say as he next to her smiling as he took her hand in his. She smiled back and intertwined their fingers together. Looking into his dark eyes, her daughter... their daughter had the same eyes. She hadn’t realised just how much Rai looked like him, the eyes, and the hair even down to the nose. They were all him.
”I thought you weren’t coming...” she said quietly as she watched him trace a small scar on the underside of her index finger, she smiled as she remembered the time she’d gotten it. A few months before she’d gotten pregnant they been planning to have dinner out but they’d gotten caught up and ended up missing their reservations so they decided to stay in. Sachi had decided that she could cook them dinner instead, halfway through chopping the vegetables he come up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. She not noticed him come into the kitchen and had jumped when he’d touched her which in turn meant she’d let the life slice through her finger. They ended up spending all night in the emergency room waiting to be seen.

Sachi laughed lightly as she remembered that night, everything had been so easy then. They didn’t have a care in the world, they were going to get married and start a life together. They never thought things would turn on them they way it did.

[Toshio Niigata]

Toshio held her small hand in his, and the memory of how they used to hold hands all of the time clouded his mind. She felt the same, and practically looked the same to him- still young, still gorgeous. Her bright green eyes were the most beautiful thing on her body, and the way the sunlight hit them just now stunned Toshio. He smiled to himself as they interlocked fingers, and he leaned over and kissed her cheek lightly. He stood up slowly and waited for her to also. ”So, where are we off to tonight, my princess?” he bowed slightly and kissed her hand awkwardly. He hadn’t been romantic with anyone for over 15 years, and he still needed to remind himself how to get back into it.

[Sachi Yamada]

Sachi giggled as Toshio bowed in front of her, “So, where are we off to, my princess?” he said, kissing her hand. She placed her hand under his chin so that he raised his head; she lightly stroked his cheek as she smiled at him,

”You haven’t changed Toshio,” she said quietly ”You’re still as awkward as ever!” she chucked lightly tapping his cheek as she grabbed his hand and pulled him along the path towards a band stand not far away, it was covered in flowers all in full bloom. It looked so beautiful she couldn’t help but reach out and stroke the petals, out of the corner of her eye she noticed a small bench, just large enough for two in the centre of the rose-covered band stand.

”Shall we sit here?” she asked turning to face him, ”I’m sure you have some questions you want to ask, I know I do”

[Toshio Niigata]

Toshio’s cheeks actually reddened at her comment. He knew he had always been awkward, and that made him think of the night that perhaps Rai was conceived. He had tried to make it nice and romantic, but he ended up burning the soufflé and making a terrible mess in the kitchen. He had no idea how to cook, and to this day he couldn’t cook to save his life! He remembered how kind Sachi was, and she laughed about the whole thing when he was seriously pissed off. Then, once she had calmed him down and ordered a pizza for them, the night turned romantic and they ended up making a mess out of each other. He smiled at the memory, and how that was the only memory that he would never forget.

When she found a bench in a band stand covered with blooming flowers, Toshio squeezed her hand and walked up there with her, sitting down. ”I do have a lot of questions for you, but you should start. I think its time that I heard you out. Don’t hold back, ok? No question is stupid…” he added on the last part only because that was what he told his students. He really couldn’t believe that they were both in their early 30’s, when- in these times-, it felt like they were mere teenagers again. He let go of her hand and instead placed his on her thigh, rubbing it gently. He knew that no one here knew who they were or what they were doing. Both of them lived miles from the city, and to everyone who walked by they only looked like a normal couple.

[Sachi Yamada]

When Toshio placed his hand on her thigh she couldn’t help but blush a little, she felt like a teenager again. Her first thought was so check that no-one was watching them before she remembered that the reason they had picked this place to meet was because they wouldn’t have any chance of bumping into anyone they knew.

”I do have a lot of questions for you, but you should start. I think it’s time that I heard you out. Don’t hold back, ok? No question is stupid…” She nodded before looking opposite them where a teenage couple were walking past hand in hand. The young girl was laughing at something the boy had said and she couldn’t help but smile,
”We used to be like that,” she smiled up at Toshio before frowning slightly, ”Why did it go so wrong T? We were so good together. I really thought we were going to be together forever, I’d even started picking out a wedding dress,” she laughed at herself, she had been so excited to get married to him, she couldn’t wait to be Mrs. Niigata. She’d been dreaming about her wedding day since she was a small girl and she had finally thought she’d found her prince charming.

”Why did you run?” she asked quietly ”I know you said that you weren’t ready for a baby in your life but we’d always been OK at coping with things before then. When I told you that day I truly thought that you would be OK, scared but OK. I’d imagined that you would take me in your arms and tell me that it was all right but you didn’t. You just ran. I had to ask your parents where you’d gone T, do you know how embarrassing that was, and they gave me such confused looks. I’d never felt so alone,”

[Toshio Niigata]

Toshio’s eyes averted toward the ground as he listened to Sachi’s questions. She was so right, and yet Toshio could do nothing to change the past. ”If I could go back now and change the past I would,” he murmured. He took in a deep breath and still wouldn’t meet her gaze. He noticed the two teens laughing and holding hands and he chuckled a bit. He knew they used to be like that, and he missed it and wanted it to be that way again. But the reality was, that it would never really be the same. He will always be known as the guy who ran away, who chickened out on his own fiancé. He didn’t know if he could live with that.

”I don’t know where it went wrong… I loved you so much, and I guess the idea of being a father really scared the shit outta me. You know I was struggling to find work and to support us as it was, even though we lived with our parents I was scrimping and saving to buy us a place of our own, where we could be together 24/7. But, when I heard the news I packed up all of my stuff and took the train here. I needed a place to stay, so I wound up renting an apartment, and before I knew it I had no money to get back home. I would’ve Sachi, I would’ve left this place if the opportunity came, but I ended up working six jobs and sponging at an old couple’s house, paying only a little rent money and cleaning their inn for them. It was hard, and I know you had it even harder. But, only now do I realize that,” he said, and he felt so ashamed for what he had done. He didn’t know why Sachi even allowed him to live this long. He reached in his pocket and pulled out his carton of cigarettes and put one in his mouth, lighting it up. He knew how much she hated to see him smoke, but he was starting to get the shakes from withdrawal. ”Could you ever forgive me, Sachi?” he asked. This was the only question he wanted answered tonight. Nothing else mattered. He didn’t know if he could even continue on in this life if she turned him away.

[Sachi Yamada]

Whilst she listen to him speak she couldn’t help but cry, a tear rolled down her cheek as he spoke about saving money up to by them a place of their own. She didn’t realise he’s been doing that, she just thought they sort something out after they were married, she been too occupied with the wedding to even think about what they do after. As she watching him reach into his pocket she wiped her eyes and looked up at him as he placed a cigarette in his, she sighed and reached over plucking the cigarette from his mouth and placing it on the bench on the other side of her taking the packet and doing the same with that.

”Do you really have to do that, you know I hate it,” she sighed before her eyes going wide, she’d said those exact some words seventeen years ago.
“Could you ever forgive me, Sachi?” she heard him ask and she looked at him, she leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips.

”I...I think I can, Toshio,” she whispered not moving her lips from his ”But you have to give me time. You hurt me T, I’m going to need you to prove that you won’t leave me this time. If anything happened I need to know that you would help me,”

[Toshio Niigata]

”Do you really have to do that, you know I hate it,” she said as she took the packet and the cig away from him. He clenched his teeth, not knowing how much longer he could go without it. He hadn’t smoked for a few hours, and it was killing him. When he looked up at her she leaned in and kissed him gently on the lips. Toshio didn’t move an inch and waited anxiously for her answer. ”But you have to give me time. You hurt me T, I’m going to need you to prove that you won’t leave me this time. If anything happened I need to know that you would help me,” she stated, and he nodded. He understood, and he was ready to take this responsibility. He never wanted anything more in his life than to be Sachi’s husband, and that was something that hadn’t changed for almost 20 years. ”Sachi,” he breathed as he leaned in for a kiss but paused, ”I love you”. He pressed his lips against hers and what started off as a small peck escalated to a passionate kiss. He had never really learned the right way to kiss, and Sachi always had to catch him mid-kiss to tell him to slow it down or take it easy. He was such a nerd as a kid, and even now, and he didn’t understand why she had chosen him. When he broke the kiss he stared into her green eyes. They reminded him of emerald, which was his birthstone, and he knew that they were meant to be. ”Why, though,” he began, ”Why me? What is there to possibly love about me?” he wondered. No one had ever loved him other than Sachi, not even in adulthood, and he wondered if there was something wrong with him.

[Sachi Yamada]

”Sachi,” he breathed as he leaned in for a kiss but paused, ”I love you” as he leaned closer and pressed his lips to hers. It quickly escalated to a passionate kiss and Sachi had to smile when he slowed down, when they were younger she’d always had to remind him when they were kissing, she used to think he kissed her like it was the end and the last chance they would have to kiss, desperate but so full of love. He pulled pack and started into his eyes, she knew he’s always liked them. She never quite understood her fascination with them, they were just everyday green eyes but Toshio thought differently. He would always tell her how much he loved them, he would spend so long just staring into them.

”Why, though,” he began, ”Why me? What is there to possibly love about me?” he asked and Sachi couldn’t help but think he looked like the teenager Sachi she’d gotten to know so well all those years ago. She kissed him once more before answering, ”You want to know why? There are so many reasons Toshio, so many things to love about you. You’re so kind and so very passionate with everything you do, I always used to admire that about you. You always completely submerged yourself in whatever you were doing. How could anyone not love you? You’re everything anyone could ever want, everything I ever wanted. You’re smart, loving, you always made me feel comforted when I was scared, you wouldn’t mind when I called you in the middle of the night just to tell you I loved you even thought you were asleep, you’d still always answered. Even after you left, I always compared everyone to you and no one ever came close.” she smiled before pressing her lips to his.

[Toshio Niigata]

Toshio blinked as she explained why she loved him. He understood her point, but he still didn’t get it. It was still him, and no one seemed to like that- not his students, or his daughter. Sachi kissed him again and he closed his eyes and clung to her lips, barely moving them. “Even after you left, I always compared everyone to you and no one ever came close.” She mentioned, and Toshio raised an eyebrow. No one compared huh? Then why did you marry him?! he thought, and he just had to ask. ”Not even…Tadahiro?” he glared at the ground for a few moments before looking back up at her with sad, droopy, puppy-dog eyes that she couldn’t resist. He’d always faked them when they were young, and he could get whatever he wanted with them. Now they came naturally. He was so beat to crap and exhausted all the time that this look became permanent. The bags under his eyes from long sleepless nights of grading papers made him even more unattractive, yet she still loved him. She had loved him all along, even when he had left her, and even when she had married someone else, and even had a child with him! What would happen now? She was still in love with him, but at the same time loved her husband. What a curious situation they had gotten themselves into.

[Sachi Yamada]

”Not even…Tadahiro?” She winced as he mentioned her Husband watching as Toshio glared at the ground before looking up and using the puppy-dog eyes that Sachi knew so well. He was playing dirty now, he knew she couldn’t resist those eyes, even when they were young whenever he wanted anything out came the eyes, so you to get so jealous that she couldn’t do the same to him. She removed her hand from his and placed her hands in her lap looking away from him. She couldn’t talk about Tadahiro whilst looking at him.

”When I couldn’t find anyone as good as you I ended up looking for someone completely different. Tadahiro is rude, obnoxious and just plain stupid. It hurt less to look at him because I wasn’t reminded of you. Due to his job we never really see each other, he works late a lot and I’m home all day looking after the house, Rai and Maiku. It works for us better that way; there are fewer arguments when we don’t see each other much. I’m not going to lie, I did love him. I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t but it wasn’t the same type of love. He was able to provide for me and Rai when I was struggling and I’ll always be thankful for that. The last time we had sex was the night Maiku was conceived...,” she admitted the last bit knowing that he probably didn’t want to hear about her and Tadahiro being intimate just like she wouldn’t like to hear about him and another woman but she need him to know, she wanted to be honest with him, ”He was drunk, he been out all night and when he finally did get home he wanted to have sex, I tried to say no but it was just easier in the end to give in. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I felt sixteen all over again, when I did tell him I think he was only happy to have an heir for his company” she felt the tears running down her cheeks again, not even trying to stop them, ”Both my children were accidents,” she sobbed ”Does that make me a horrible Mother?” she asked, looking up at him with her big watery eyes.

[Toshio Niigata]

Toshio tried to keep his mouth from dropping but failed. It hurt him immensely to hear her talk about sex with another man. For some odd reason, he felt cheated. It felt like they had been dating for years and she was just getting around to telling him the secrets of her past now. However, he couldn’t help but chuckle at how she described him, ”Tadahiro is rude, obnoxious and just plain stupid”. He would agree to that any day! But what he heard next broke his heart. Sure Tadahiro was there for his family and provided for them, but he was never physically there. Sachi said that he always worked and never had time for her or the kids, and Toshio started to think back to how he was with his job. He was so wrapped up in working all of the time because it got his mind off of Sachi, yet now it just became habitual- the late nights, early mornings, and grouchy afternoons. He began to wonder if he would be any different than Tadahiro.
Of course he would. But only if he had Sachi.

When she talked about the forced sex, he balled up his fist as if he would punch Tadahiro right now. That was something that Toshio knew he would absolutely never do! ”Both my children were accidents,” she sobbed ”Does that make me a horrible Mother?” she asked, looking up at him with her big watery eyes. This was a blow to Toshio. He couldn’t believe that she had just said that. He turned to her and got so upset that he stood up and held his fists at his side and practically screamed at her. ”How the hell could you say such things?! You are an excellent mother! One of the best! You had your children by yourself and raised them without any help, and they are going to be fine young adults! All because of you! Not anyone else- not me, or Tadahiro- YOU!” he shouted, his voice getting high and whiny again. He always sounded like a kid when he did that, and he hated it, but he couldn’t help it. He tried to calm himself down, and he rested his face in his hand and stood over her.

[Sachi Yamada]

Sachi wasted through teary eyes as Toshio clenched his fists as he turned to her, she knew he was angry she recognised the look in his eyes, ’Always so passionate,’ she thought.

”How the hell could you say such things?! You are an excellent mother! One of the best! You had your children by yourself and raised them without any help, and they are going to be fine young adults! All because of you! Not anyone else- not me, or Tadahiro- YOU!” Toshio shouted before dropping his shoulders and resting his face in his hands. She stood up in front of him, placing her hand on his head, running her fingers through his silky hair; she’d always loved his hair. She remembered the times when they used to cuddle up on the couch together and watch films, no matter what position they started in they always ended in the say way, his head in her lap and her fingers tangled in his locks. She let her hand drop to his neck, playing with the downy hairs there and wrapping her other hand around his waist pressing her face into his chest,

”Thank you,” she whispered ”I don’t think anyone’s ever told me anything like that. You have no idea what it means to me.”